Turns out I am not the only one.
Cue: Sam Smith’s “I know I’m not the only one”…
But I do read terms and conditions of every legal document I have physically signed. Like when I joined an office or signing bank documents.
We talk about how gravely hilarious weird terms and conditions found online and offline to teach you a lesson incase you don’t want to giveaway your first-born child to a gaming company for eternity.
What about you? When was the last time you read the terms and conditions when you signed up for one?
Fake and Weird terms and conditions
1. Apple iOS7 page 46
Let’s start with the world’s favorite premium product: The Apple.
And here’s the bitter irony: Apple’s terms and conditions aren’t exactly the “apple of my eye”, so as to speak. They are bulky, sleep-inducing and way more complicated than your “It’s complicated” relationship status on Facebook.
And here is what the Page 46 of iOS7 software looks like:
Don’t worry, its a Photoshop spoof image created by Huffington Post UK’s Comedy team. But it’s still funny! My favorite part is how the Tony from 5th floor of Apple HQ smells of sardines.
I didn’t understand that bit about legal kerfuffle, and certainly not the part about how Beatles solved the problem.
But hey, Huffington Post does set the standard for sarcastic and dark jokes about how being ignorant is not always blissful…
2. Spotify can see basically everything stored on your phone
Yes, Spotify can see what stuff in going on in your phone. It can see your contacts, your photo you videos you took while you were too drunk to remember and were dipping chicken legs in beer and calling it a day.
3. You can't lie on LinkedIn
Well, this is one of those end user agreement terms that I like because if you do lie on LinkedIn, and you are caught to be lying by someone in your professional network, it harms your professional image and credibility.
I know I haven’t lied on LinkedIn. I don’t lie on LinkedIn because I want to project a trustworthy and real image of myself to all my prospective clients and employers.
But I do know people and companies who have lied on LinkedIn. Are you one of them?
4. You can't use iTunes to make biological weapons
This is a very weird terms and conditions.
Last time I heard a relatively underestimated software doing amazing things was about WordPress launching rockets in space. Underestimated because though WordPress powers more than 32% of the world wide web, it is still known as a “blogging” guy.
Who knew iTunes can be used for making nuclear and biological weapons?
5. Even banks don't read Terms and Conditions
And he wrote the end user agreement of everyone’s dreams. No credit limit, no fees, no percent of interest levied on credit. And the juiciest clause in the land of clauses? The bank will be penalized if they (the bank) doesn’t hold their end of the agreement.
The best part? Both the bank and Russian man signed to comply to with the above terms and conditions.
And when brought to the court, the judge ruled in favor of the Russian man.
Funny terms and conditions
1. You want free public WiFi?
Do you want free public WiFi? Of course you do! Did you know that your data can be easily stolen from hackers when you use a public WiFi? Of course you do!
Well, how about agreeing to terms and conditions which say that you shall be assigning your first-born child to “them” for eternity?
Though this was just an experiment to find out how many people actually read the terms and conditions, it is still fun to imagine a family drama in the distant future…you know, about your first-born-child being dragged outta the house…only because you “agreed to the terms and conditions”.
2. They want your immortal soul forever
One day (1st April 2010, to be precise) GameStation decided to add the following juice as part of thier end user agreement : ” …you agree to grant Us a non-transferable option to claim, for now and for ever more, your immortal soul. …”
More than 7,500 people shopped online on that precise day. And only 12% of these chose to manually “nullify the contract”. And they got a coupon as a reward for their due diligence.
Frankly, I am still wondering if souls can be transferred in the first place, that they had to put a “non-transferable” claim on it…
3. Tumblr's human terms and conditions
Tumblr’s terms and conditions are genuinely a pleasure to read. They are light-hearted and the examples they used to really rub the point across are highly relatable.
4. You cannot sue companies
An arbitation clause is basically a little bomb snuck under the pillow cover…and if this one is in the terms and conditions agreement, then you will have to pay great attention to it.
It means that under no circumstanses are you allowed to sue against the said company.
Take Netflix for example – If you love binge-watching Breaking Bad over and over again, that means you have agreed to the terms and conditions. If you have agreed to the terms and conditions, it means if even you are watching one of its episode and accidentally get a fish-bone stuck in your throat and you die, your family cannot sue Netflix.
5. You cannot hold Twitter responsible for fake news
You know, there is a memorable piece written by The Hustle about how fake news actually started on a large scale. And the “King of Fake News” made it big using Facebook.
Yup. I guess you need to read each and every terms of service you have ever agreed to in your lifetime and see if you have “agreed to never make fun of any living organism on this planet, ranging from the microbial unicellular organisms to the Blue Whale.”
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